Russell Stover™ rape team!
There are some names that are genius, some that are disgusting and some built for better things than they ended up belonging to.

Take Russell Stover. Russell Stover got his big start when one day, while hanging out with his wife and some friends, they basically invented the Eskimo Pie. Pretty soon, they were making big money and everyone started copying their idea, so they sold the business, moved to Denver and started making chocolates. Nowadays, they are the largest manufacturer of boxed chocolates in the United States. An honorable life and decent legacy.

But not only that, a brilliant name. I love Russell Stover. It could be applied to anything to give it supreme legitimacy. Here are a few good examples.


- A Building-
Russell Stover Athletic Center - works. Sound like he invented the game of Cricket.


-Firearms-
Russell Stover Rifles - totally works! Even better if they shoot nougat.
Russell Stover Ammo - Chocolate kisses... of death!


-Traveling Sideshow-
The 4th Annual Russell Stover Circus - See?

or even better

Russell Stover's Clown Parade - Holy shit...I'm cumming!


-The Olympics-
Russell Stover Team raping - Sort of like gang rape, but with better uniforms and judges. I know it's not a sanctioned sport, but with a name like Russell Stover attached to it, it's only a matter of time.


-Politics-
Russell Stover for President - I'd totally vote for this guy!
Surgeon General Russell Stover- Chocolate cures EVERYTHING!


-Emergency Medical Procedure-
Russell Stover Maneuver - Completely and totally works. Much like the Heimlich maneuver, the Russell Stover maneuver is a technique that expels food that becomes lodged in the esophagus, but in this case it's specific to only caramels and nut-crunches.


-Automobiles-
The 2007 Russell Stover LX - works! Sounds like a Land Rover. It's definitely an upper class vehicle. Everything is covered in rare leather, including the tires. Starting prices are in the low $100s.


-Navy Ship-
USS Russell Stover - Holy shit! I would let that battleship sail right down my throat! I mean, we've all heard of the Goodship Lollipop, but fuck that! That dinghy doesn't have Jack shit on the USS Russell Stover! Those Lollipop lovin' Teletubbies can prance around the poop-deck all they want. I'd rather have the awesome firepower of a chocolate fueled battleship at my disposal.


-Hollywood-
Russell Stover in Lethal Weapon 5! - FUCKING AWESOME!

Heres a typical scene... A street hardened criminal pulls a gun on an unsuspecting Russell Stover. "Who's laughing now, Candy-man?" SUDDENLY a mechanical plate on the back of Russell's head slides open and two HUGE GATLING GUNS burst out and BLOW THE FUCKING CROOK INTO MILLIONS OF CHOCOLATE SPRINKLES!

Russell turns and looks right at the camera and lights up a chocolate cigar.

A voice comes on and says: "Russell Stover in...LETHAL WEAPON 5. He's coming this summer from Fox and this time, he's bringing enough....FOR EVERYBODY!"


See? Russell Stover has an awesome name! And he was right to sell chocolates. America trusts a Russell Stover. He was born to do great things and it's because his name was fucking awesome. He had a great name and ended up doing great things.

--

When just anyone thinks they can apply their name to stuff and sell it, that's when something goes terribly wrong and you end up with "Smuckers Jam."

"With a name like 'Smuckers," it has to be good!"

Um. No it doesn't.

With a name like Smuckers, it has to be fucked up, dude.

Smuckers doesn't sound like anything I'd ever want to spread.

Smuckers doesn't sound like anything I'd ever want to eat.

Smuckers doesn't sound like anything I'd ever feed to children.

Smuckers sounds like the nickname of the kid who sat in the back of class in elementary school and shat himself all the time.

Smuckers sounds like a retarded guy. "Who's that?" "Oh him, he's Smuckers. He's the new copy boy. He's all right, except he talks to himself in the bathroom."

Smuckers sounds like the neighborhood pedophile. It gets even worse when you apply the full company name, "J M Smucker Company."

Smuckers sounds like a venereal disease. I'll go no further than saying "she had a Jam-like discharge."

Holy fucking shit, this one gets EVEN WORSE when you find out that Smuckers is actually selling a product called Uncrustables™, which sounds like of those half-cures for the genital herpes.

http://www.smuckers.com/fg/otg/uncrustables/default.as

Smuckers should have never gone into the food business. Smuckers should have worked in a Slaughterhouse or better yet, moved to Appalachia and become a Packard mechanic.

--

Then there's Duncan Hines. What a fucking ingrate! A great name that was TOTALLY WASTED on cake mix. The real story behind Duncan Hines is that he used to be a traveling salesman and spent a lot of time on the road and ate at a lot of restaurants across the country. One day he and wife decided it'd be neat to assemble his thoughts on which restaurants were great and which were to be avoided. He ended up publishing a book and a whole cottage industry took off. If an establishment was lucky, they'd get his blessing and hang a sign that read "Duncan Hines ate here!" or "Recommended by Duncan Hines!" Then he sold the rights to his name to a company that put it on cake mix. That is who Duncan Hines is in real life. That's the real Duncan Hines. What an asshole!

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...Duncan Hines...er... ate a lot. That's his legacy. That gives his name divine providence to sell fucking cake mixes and frosting.

Bullshit!

In my world, Duncan Hines was an international man of intrigue and espionage. He spent years in an opium den in Morocco.

He shot a man while playing Baccarat. HELL, HE FUCKING PLAYED BACCARAT! Who plays Baccarat, Duncan Hines does, that's who!

Duncan Hines never wore cotton! His entire wardrobe was either silk, linen or the skin of his conquests.

Duncan Hines never actually married, but he had sex with more women than there are in the entire state of Rode Island! He fucked so often, he actually designed and built a custom rickshaw that was powered by the motion of his fuck.

When Duncan Hines died, the world shut down and ceased to operate. With out the presence of Duncan Hines, people forgot how to be themselves and it took 12 generations for society to start again. He was a god among the beasts and eventually, the people of planet Earth changed the name of all water to that of Duncan Hines.

That's a Duncan Hines I can get behind, not some pasty, chubby whatnot who just traveled the country and ate for a living and sold his name to the highest bidder and spent the rest of his days molesting cakes. Fuck him.

What a waste of a human being. And his cakes fucking suck!

Fuck you, Duncan Hines!